Today I went to a family gathering which consisted of some of lovergirl's side of the fam (so effectively random aunts and uncles who the fam sees once a year or something). Here are some things that happened:

* The house was covered in hundreds of ornamental dolphin paraphenalia (which was a little unnerving). It was also full of a billion christmas-related stuffed toys that giggled or sang christmas carols (*shudder*).

* Lovergirl's Grandad told a story about how he once drank a cup of breast milk with his porridge.

* I avoided all probing questions relating to my work.

* I jumped on a trampoline.

* I (badly) drove a manual for the first time in years.

* I ate my weight in pavlova.

We got home at 8. KILL ME NOW.

It's been a while since my last update but in short, things have been going well. We still have a LOAD to unpack. Linda is coming to visit soon and I have NO IDEA where we're going to put her or how we're going to pay her for her Minchin tickets. Work is going awesomely.

One thing that I've found this year is that I AM NOT EXCITED ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

I don't mean that in an assholish way. I just can't get into the swing of it. I think it's because I know I won't be having it with my family. Sure I'll be having it with lovergirl and HER family who she says are MY family but it's not the same. Whenever I think about xmas this year, I get sad. Lovergirl and I have come to loggerheads about it a lot lately because she's all excited about buying christmas decorations, trees, whatever and I just really don't give a shit. Sure she knows where I'm coming from but what, am I supposed to pretend I'm excited about yet another year away from my family? I can't go and visit them because I can't afford the flights to Oz. While I'm really happy here, it pretty much breaks my heart that I know that while I'm with lovergirl, we will never live in Australia - because she'll get too homesick. I don't particularly want to live in Oz becaus the fam are so spread out that I wouldn't know where to go and work is going well for me.. but still. It's a horrible thought.

Another thing that is frustrating me is how much lovergirl wants a baby. I don't. Well, one day but we fight about it ALL THE TIME because she constantly wants to talk about having one, look at baby shit and generally talk about being clucky. I don't. I'm treated as the bad guy who 'won't let her have a baby'. I'm 22 and I'm selfish. I don't WANT to look after someone else right now. We have been married less than a year and I am enjoying just having the two of us. Yes I want to have kids one day but not this year. :-( It's hard. Part of me is tempted to just be like, 'Oh fuck it. Let's just have a baby' but I just can't and realistically.. my income on its own is shit. We need lovergirl's income.

This being said, we are going really well.

But if one more person asks me 'how's married life?'.. I will shoot them. I hate when you get married how it feels like people disregard you as an individual anymore and you turn into 'How are you two?'. Argh. I'm me, bitches.

I watched a lot of art porn today. Good times.

I feel like going to the movies.

Herro!

It has been exactly.. a long time.. since my last post and my my my have I BEEN BUSY!

The new job is awesome. It has it's wee stressful moments. Okay.. some moments are pretty flipping stressful but I'm pretty sure that boils down to the lack of training I had in certain areas and of course the important costly machines break when you need them. I've already had a last minute deadline thrown on me and I had to stay back until around 9pm to get most of the job done. But it was fine.. I actually enjoyed it. I LOVE THE JOB! Seriously. I can't believe I am lucky enough to have gotten it!! So now I'm officially a graphics/video editor for an adult company. WOO FREAKING HOO. Here are some of my jobs that I do:

* Cut out any scenes from new titles that the censorship office deem inappropriate.
* Author DVDs for replication NZ wide (making the menus work, formatting it so you can't skip our ads.. etc)
* Putting numbers, barcodes and clauses onto the DVD slicks before they are sent for replication.
* Burning porn for hotels.
* Designing, creating, printing logos, billboards, signs, etc.
* Editing with Edius. Graphics with Photoshop, Illustrator, etc.
* Cutting up tapes from the sex expos.. making ads.. etc.
* Filming, editing porn (including stuff I make for the company)

So all in all.. pretty fucking mint job!!

We've moved house.. still have a SHITE LOAD to unpack but it's so lovely here! It's a 4 minute drive to work (for me) and I'm feeling visibly relaxed and just incredibly happy. :-)

Contemplating going to this Halloween party soon.. it's held on a reserve.. byo tent/grog.. and basically everyone runs wild for the night in this paddock.. it's at a friend of a friends so I'm feeling a bit awkward about it.. but intrigued.

I LOVE CAMILLE O'SULLIVAN. She makes my stomach jump around excitably.

Oh also, I've been asked to submit some drawings for a kids book.. I've done a few drawings and I'm getting happy with my ideas.. so to see my drawings in a book.. well that would be pretty fucking swell, right?

BUSY BUSY but very happy. :-)

Above are a few pictures I took at Boobs on Bikes last week. Good time was had by all. I only got a few because I was filming the parade and it wasn't uber easy to film and photograph at the same time. I was quite enamoured by the girl in the first 2 pictures. She's gorgeous.

Someone took a few photos of me groping Audrey Hollander, so I'll upload them when I get them. I also posted a crew picture on Twitter.. so check that shiz out.

It's my first day off today in over 3 wks. Fucking A. I have to go to the doctor soon and get my infected toenail sorted out. Rank. And I need some lemonade.

 

We move house tomorrow! Fucking scary!

So, I have pretty much just finished the biggest weekend of my life. Three days were spent at Erotica (well, 2, I was stupidly sick due to exhaustion on the 2nd day and spent the day in bed). The first day wasn't so amazing because I was stuck selling fucking toys for 13 hours or something. Yep. Standing. Trying to sell toys to punters and compete with all the other toy stands in the arena. I had fun for about 3 hours, but then I realised it was an extremely shitty version of working in an adult shop.. without chairs, internet and practically being flogged to work and sell. On the third day though, I was adamant I wasn't going to be a toy whore.. so for the first 3 hours I ended up making showbags. Seriously. It was better than selling shite with the nazi's I was working with. But after that, the real fun happened. I snuck off with Kel & Vixster and wandered around the expo, had lunch and generally dodged anyone who might delegate me work. After I got sick of that game, I timidly found someone WHO GAVE ME SOMETHING FUN TO DO.

I went to Star Zone (yep. Where all the porn stars hang out) and I went and had a chat with Otto (porn star). After I asked him to sign a DVD of his he'd directed for me, this is how our dialogue went.

Otto: Darlin' I'm real hard.
Me: I noticed!
Otto: You should stroke me. Get me off.
Me: Ahh.. nah I'm okay. Thanks though.
(He then grabbed my hand, put it down the front of his tight pants, wrapped it around his weiner and made me wank him a while.)

I made him laughed because then I licked my fingers. Because that's how I roll.

After that wee encounter, I ran off to tell Kel and make her smell my penisy fingers.. she was pretty impressed by my brush with fame.. best wife ever..

THEN, I was asked to WORK in Star Zone. WOO FREAKING HOO! At first I was just filling in breaks and handing out printed photos of people and the porn stars.. but then I got to work Photoshop and the printer.. and print the freshly taken pics. It was awesome. Nothing is more awesome than watching Audrey Hollander repeatedly get nude and breathe all over your shoulder while trying to watch you zoom in on their chest candies.

So after that night, we shut the doors and I got a crew photos with my crew and the pornstars who worked in Star Zone. It was super neat. I'll have to upload it at some stage. So then I got up the courage to ask Audrey if I could take a picture with her before we left. This is what happened:

Me: Um.. do you mind if I take a picture of us? Just on my phone?
Audrey: Of course!! That's fine!! I'm only wearing my comfy clothes though.. I don't look very sexy.. I'll get nude for you!
(She starts undressing)
Me: No! It's fine seriously!! You look cute in your track pants!
Audrey: No you need a sexy picture!
(She got nude. Meanwhile. All the pornstars and crew are hanging around to leave and watching me)
Audrey: How do you want the picture?
Me: Um.. I don't know.. just smiling?
Audrey: You need one like THIS!
(She stands in front of me.. grabs my hands and forces my hands to grope her boobs and push them up toward her chin)
Audrey: Don't be scared to squeeze them, honey!!

:-|

God damn that woman is sexy. She's Otto's wife by the way. BEST COUPLE EVER.

Okay, so after said gropage and the final night of the show.. everyone went their separate ways to head into the after party (which started an hour or so later and was held at a classy strip joint - literally 5 doors down from my house). You needed a VIP entry to have access to the 2nd and 3rd floor and I'm pretty sure only about 30 people had this access. VIP meant nibblies.. porn stars, a room with glass walls that looking onto the crowd and get this.. A FREE BAR. I felt pretty elite being in the VIP because the peasants from down below kept looking up in awe and pure jealousy. Ahh. Good times. After about 14 drinks, I went and danced with the pornstars, swapped email addresses with Otto and stumbled home very drunkly at 2am or something. Poor Kel. She didn't come out because she was sleepy.. and I was chatting her ear off and giggling until about 3am.

Today I had to get up and help pack up the Expo. Wow. That sucked. Then I came home about 4.30 and packed about 8 boxes of my shite that needs to be moved because we found out that someone wants to view the place tomorrow. I'm so mentally and emotionally exhausted from working such long and difficult hours but I've had such a fucking amazing time. Bring it all on!

Today was the parade. It was crazy. I'll upload pics when I can find my damn cord.

Today was officially my first day at work. It started at 10am with me having to do a MAD DASH carrying the world's heaviest camera case to get tapes as Mr Boss forgot to get them. I filmed the parade, standing on the back of a ute that drove down Queen Street.. attached to my ute was a very gorgeous stripper in a hot tub. I had a good view. After the parade of pornstars, police, protesters and the general public (phew!), I went to the office and edited stuff. At 7.30 I had a break down in the bathroom because I was so stressed and exhausted. I pulled myself together and continued editing. At 9pm, my computer randomly shut off and lost the film I'd just finished editing - with no saves. Internet and server went down. Mad panic among the office. Nothing got fixed. We left after 10pm. Got home at 10.30pm. Ate. I get picked up at 7am tomorrow. It's going to be a long weekend.

I'm exhausted and excited all at the same time. Today was fucking crazy.

A Quiz I stole from endlessblush's blog... because I have 90 minutes left of work and I'm fucking bored.

First thing you wash in the shower? My knees.

What color is your favorite hoodie? Black.

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yes! Because it's my lady!

Do you plan outfits? Yes. There's usually 3 or 4 random things I want to wear and I don't really care if they match or not, I just wear what I feel like. It sometimes ends badly.

How are you feeling RIGHT now? I'm okay. Sleepy and craving a movie, but good. :-)

What's the closest thing to you that's red? My lipstick on my lips.

Tell me about the last dream you remember having? It was horrible. Something about a haunted house ride in a deserted carnival town that turned out to be terrifying. When you started the 'ride', it would take you on a journey into your deepest fears. Makes me sick thinking about it.

Did you meet anybody new today? I met some people at work but it was no more than brief transactions.

What are you craving right now? Scarlet Johannson.

What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Toxic farts.

Are you emotional? Not at all. I'm exhausted though!

Have you ever counted to 1,000? No freaking way. Too lazy for that.

Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Lick. My teeth are sensitive bitches.

Do you like your hair? Not today. It BADLY needs a dye.

Do you like yourself? I do alright!

Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Yes. And then I'd cupcake him.

What are you listening to right now? Someone being obnoxious on the radio.

Are your parents strict? No. I think they've learnt that I know what I'm doing most of the time and are pretty supportive. Until I was about 16 they were.

Would you go sky diving? Yeah maybe. But if I wanted an adrenalin rush I'd just walk through Myer's Park at night.. Terrifying!

Do you like cottage cheese? Only when it's not on my thighs.

Have you ever met a celebrity? Yes. And a few porn celebs. :-D

Do you rent movies often? I prefer to buy. Too lazy to return.

Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? Yes. A few glittery dildos. Some lipgloss.

Have you made a prank phone call? Haha yes. I've had more made to me though.

Ever been on a train? Yep! I like the train. I make 20 minute weird friends on it.

Brown or white eggs? Same shit different shell.

Do you have a cell-phone? Yes. And it's quite new and I love it. *frots against it*

Do you use chap stick? Sometimes when I don't have any tacky slutty gloss in reach.

Do you own a gun? No. But I love slug guns.

Can you use chop sticks? Yes.. in an offbeat way though.

Who are you going to be with tonight? My little darling, some honey & nut crusted pork and maybe a film.

Are you too forgiving? I don't think there's such a thing as too forgiving. I don't know.

Ever have cream puffs? I don't know what that is? Profiteroles? Then yes?

Last time you cried? Today. I yawned so hard I squirted tears and fell off my chair.

What was the last question you asked? "Would you like to go on a date with me tonight?" (The answer was 'no'. FML)

Do you have any tattoos? Yes. 2.

Are you sarcastic? No. I can't really do sarcasm without coming across like a complete arsehole. I'm straight up!

Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? Yes.

Ever walked into a wall? Heaps.

Favorite color? I'm starting to get into orange lately.

Have you ever slapped someone? Not in the face. Only on the arse.

Is your hair curly? It has a bit of a rebellious wave to it.

What was the last CD you bought? The Gossip - Music for Men (love it!)

Do looks matter? Sometimes sure.

Could you ever forgive a cheater? Yes. I'd rather they were just upfront with me beforehand. I hate being lied to.

Is your phone bill sky high? No actually. I make all my calls from work. HAHA.

Do you like your life right now? I really do. Things are going really well.

Do you sleep with the TV on? No. If I'm napping on the couch, I like to fall asleep to a movie. But no.

Can you handle the truth? Yes.

Do you have good vision? It's pretty awesome.

Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Not so much hate.

How often do you talk on the phone? Probably about an hour maximum a day.

The last person you held hands with? Kellie.

What are you wearing? Black fringe boots, black leggings, black dress, black work shirt, red lips, scowl!

What is your favorite animal? Unicorns.. followed by horses.. followed by sausage dogs.. followed by rats.

Where was your default picture taken at? I stole it from some website coz that's how I roll.

Can you hula hoop? Yes but these days I don't think I'd fit in one unless it was plus size.

Do you have a job? Yes, currently.. 4. Haha. Soon to be 3. But then 2 are just freelance ones.. So.. 1? :-S

What was the most recent thing you bought? A caramel milkshake and a sub!

Have you ever crawled through a window? Yep. Locked myself out.

Guess who's been busy? ME.

So last week, this week and next week I am going to be one busy motherfucker.

I'm working at second job on all of my days off from first job. I got really stressed out two nights ago at the shop and gave myself such a migraine that my head was screaming at me and my eyes were going blurry. I fell asleep with my head on the counter at 7pm. But the last 2 days have been GOOD. I've been making sure I'm drinking heaps of water, taking breaks from the computer and when I start to hyperventilate with stress, I've been asking myself the question, 'Does this really matter?' and then I ask for help or sort it out. This is very helpful to me. I get stressed so easily and the way I'm being taught at the moment is really testing my stress levels. I've used photoshop like once in my life and suddenly I'm using it, among loads of other programs at the same time and not doing just basic things in them. The dude who's teaching me knows his shit and I feel like such a dumb shit every time I'm like 'woah woah woah woah wait up. Where's the copy button?'. Yep. It's that bad. I'm learning though. I've officially been given photoshop software (older stuff) and a book so I need to learn the SHIT out of it. Also excited because soon I'll be able to say I'm competent in Photoshop, Edius (which is now industry standard - apparently 100 times better than Final Cut and get this.. NO RENDERING TIME!! I know!!), Illustrator and the Rimage Machine (I know, haha.. rim). At the moment it's all a bit stressful though.

New job is going to be good. I feel like I have a LOT to learn and I've got like.. 2 maybe 3 days left. I am packing my dacks.. to the max. Seriously. But once again.. I'LL BE FINE.

My car is super sweet. We're moving in 3 wks to be closer to the job and loverface is applying for jobs in the area.. she can travel but is bored where she is.

So the next two weeks will be balancing myself between two work places, filming the boobalicious parade, working 3 x 13 hour days at the Sex Festival and then straight into my new job for a week and then moving into our place. WHEN THE HELL AM I GOING TO PACK!? Seriously. I don't get a day off before then. OH WELL. I am loving being challenged.

:-)

So, things are changing at the moment.

I got offered a job editing porn. Terrifying as I'm out of my depth but I got it. Money a lot better than current job but still not amazing. But they're throwing in a car. I'm really excited because I've wanted to work for this company for over a year now (I've been harassing them ever since I heard of them) and now they're actually PAYING ME to work for them. Which is stupidly cool. And I'll get to play and learn Photoshop, Encore, Illustrator and this new editing software which is apparently a billion times better than Final Cut Pro, called Edius.. So hoorah about that.

We're looking at a few rentals tomorrow because if I get a car.. I need somewhere to park it. Therefore, time to shift to somewhere bigger..! We found this place that may or may not be somewhat of a commune. Haha. I want to live there. It looks amazing. I'm too lazy to give details about it but we're going to check it out.

SO, I'm going to be pretty busy over the next while. I get tomorrow off but then for at least the next 2-3 weeks I'm working every day (my current job and then on my days off, going to train for my new job). SCARY.

I'm excited though. Things are happening. This is a good step.

I got a text msg from C at 2am saying 'I'm on the way to the hospital my eyes are gushing blood'. I reply. No answer. Guess who turns up at my house at 9.30am straight from the hospital? Him. Poor dude. He's been through a lot of shit lately. His gf of a billion years left him. Shit holes were ganging up on him at work. His living situation was shit. But he didn't cry. The doctors said he was crying blood because he was holding back his tears for so long that his TEAR DUCTS CHAFED AND BLED. Fuck that's hardcore. Poor little tike is so tuckered out that he's fallen asleep in my bed while I type this. :-( I think I'll let him nap for a while and then wake him up with redbull and pizza. His shout obviously. Ha!

Here's what else I have done so far this morning:

- Taken out 3 HUGE garden bags full of rubbish. While waiting for the lift, I felt something on my knee, looked down and it was maggots that had fallen out. That is gross. 3 trips later and we were rubbish free. I also swept and mopped the BALCONY because it was covered in maggot juice. Awesome. But it's clean now!!

- I painted my toenails electro orange and my fingernails pop art blue. Fantastic.

- I showered, shaved and put on a pretty dress. And I put on some pinky purple lipstick.. just because it's quite warm today and I CAN.

- I am sitting here drinking a redbull and vodka at 11am. Living the dream.

- I will do some washing soon! YAY! :-|

- I am counting down until I get to see my hairy wadge of a friend called Amy. :-) Love that bitch.

Okay. I'm going to wake blood head up and see what pizza he wants. He's got cash. Perfect. God I'm a good friend. :-D

If you know anything about me at all, you'll more than likely know that I absolutely freaking LOVE drag queens, drag culture and drag artistry. I love everything about it. I love the stockings, the grown men in fishnets, the skill of the make up, the tight dragalicious dresses, the over sized wigs, the bitchy persona and the 'I'm so much better than you' facade. I love it. I don't know why but I'm so stupidly attracted to drag queens. Maybe it's the confidence they exude. Maybe it's how good they look in full drag but when they take off their wig? Maybe it's the deliberately simple dance steps and the lip synching to Kylie Minogue that does it for me. Maybe it's the utter fabulousness and colour they add to the world. I think it's all of it.

Maybe I'm jealous. Maybe I want to be able to dress over the top with huge wigs and ridiculous amounts of make up and it be okay!

Anyway, I just wanted to blog about how much I love drag queens. I've 9am and I'm watching 'Connie & Carla' and all the draggage is making me smile a stupid amount. Ahhh lovely.

It's 12:17am and I am incredibly bored.

This time last week I was off my face and had faux blood streaming down my thighs. Now I am sitting on the couch with my hair up in a messy bun feeling fat. Here are a few random things that happened today:

- I ate a banana at work and felt weird.

- I got hot oil in my eye while making brinner for dinner.

- C and I made a wager. He goes without masturbating/sex for 1 week from midnight tonight.. I buy him dinner. He caves, his shout. I think I'm going to get scammed. I can't afford to shout us both dinner. I hope he caves.

- I started a diet today that began with fruit and finished with hash browns and bacon. Awesome.

- I miss Amy.

- I really need a poo right now.

On that note, duty calls..!

Hi!

I haven't been onto LJ much lately. I want to blog at work but we're tracked and the last thing I need is my LJ quoted back at me!

So in short:

- Bad Taste Party was awesome.
- Only a tiny amount of people turned up. But that works for me.
- I was a dead Jon Benet and I looked hot.
- I found out that one of my new skills is applying bruise make up.
- I drank the most I've drunk in ages and mixed drinks like a motherfucker.
- I turned into 'slippery fingers me'.
- Meaning, I spilt 3 (very red) drinks onto the carpet and broke a glass.
- Vix and I made the wives of two of the dudes at the party mad because their hubby's are friends with us and kept going in for the hug. I could feel a million knives in my back.
- Vix and I got so drunk that we thought it'd be awesome to karaoke to 'Pretty Fly for a White Guy'. We rocked it.
- We didn't really rock 'Spice Up Your Life' though.
- I had a fight with Chris.
- I fell asleep up some stairs (!?).
- We made up and had a D&M.
- There was one blanket in the whole house and it was deathly cold at 5am, so we had to share a bed in the end.
- He snored the loudest I've ever heard in my life. I didn't sleep.
- No one else was hungover but me.
- I chundered a lot and felt like death most of the morning.
- I found some glass in my hands.
- That wasn't so awesome.
- My dress went from white to red and is randomly covered in all this deathly black grease.
- Surprise visit from the landlord while all asleep.
- First thing we did was throw a scrap of carpet over the carpet stains and drag a couch over it.
- I went home. The End.

That is a very boring list of what happened. But it was amazing. I am still drained and it's half a week later. PIC (Partner in Crime) and I are going out for lunch soon and then I'm hoping he'll teach me some self defence in the park. Fun!

I don't know if you know this, but a South African inventer has created an anti-rape female condom that aims to prevent sexual assault. Basically, if you wear this an a man sticks his penis into you, the idea is that all the barbs on the inside of the condom will cause him so much pain that you have time to escape. The best part is, is that the motherfucker can't just take it off. It literally has be surgically removed.. thus Mr Rapist goes to the hospital and the hospital can then alert the police. It's a pretty phenomenal idea.

I would like to wear this an play a practical joke on someone. Maybe I'll wear one to work and trick my customers into raping me.

-----------------

Also, I'm brewing an idea at the moment. Will blog about it shortly. New project.

Holy shit I feel like crap again today. I'm getting bronchitis. I'm waiting for Kel to get out of the shower so we can go and get drugs. I didn't sleep last night. At all. Literally. Instead I sneezed and coughed until I wanted to kill myself. I look shocking today and I just can't stop feeling gross. I want to sleep but everytime I lie down it makes the coughing thrice as bad. We're recooperating out at Kel's parents but the fact that there are 2 cats here is fucking up my system (allergic) majorly. I've cried my little eyes out heaps today because I just.. can't sleep without feeling like I'm going to choke.

So, we're off to get drugs. Lordy knows I am planning on popping them like tic tacs.

Thank god I have another day off tomorrow. Pondering if I might have to phone in sick on Friday. We'll see.

Anyway, will update later. Drugs call.

Tonight I saw Bruno. I'm not going to go into a long winded review but it was absolutely hilarious. I am definitely going to see it again. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard and so frequently when watching a movie. I've heard a lot of kerfuffle about how offensive people think the movie is... but it's really not. It's the people who are being serious who are the most offensive. The stage parents. The gay converter. The wrestling fans. Sasha Baron Cohen is a fucking genius. He is such a brave actor. This movie was BETTER than Borat. Funnier, braver, more clever. It was genius. It pushed the boundaries behind what I thought was even allowed in mainstream cinema. This movie is shocking and fantastic. Favourite line - 'Bradolph Pittler'! Haha!  I LOVED IT!